On the afternoon of May 13, Fengqing intersection of Zhengzhou Agricultural Road. An old man with three wheels pulled something and scraped a Mercedes-Benz. The front side was painted off. Passers-by said, "Grandpa, you're in trouble." The old man panicked. The Mercedes-Benz owner got off and said, "My car is insured. You don't have to pay for this small amount of money. I just let the police come over and draw the line. Don't be in a hurry?" To be rich and benevolent is what this whole society needs! Let more rich people see what is called wealthy!

Mamma's dumplings are super delicious. When my parents were dating, my mom made a dumpling for my dad. My father dropped on the sofa after a delicious meal, then pointed at my mother and said, "It's you (as my wife)! "

During the meal, my mother said that my childhood composition "My Mother" had a passage that she remembered vividly: "I remember that time, I tore open a large box of biscuits on the table, found that some money was thrown on the ground. So I stooped to pick it up, and when I stood up, my mother had eaten up the biscuits."

Taking X-rays in the hospital ... The doctor told me, "There is a problem with this place in your body, but I have already fixed it with PS for you." (Of course this is just a joke, don't take it seriously, because of the great Photoshop)

Once I went to the barber's to have a haircut, and there were three post-90s MMs sitting at the door, who belonged to the non-mainstream department. When I was cutting my hair, there passed a man behind the door. His neck was very thick, commonly known as thick neck disease (like goiter). At this time, a MM spoke, "Look at that man's neck so thick, so scary!" Suddenly it was all happening, another MM's words surprised all people, "I know what it is, it's just prostatitis!" The other two MMs agreed, "Oh, that's it!" The barber and I suffocated to internal injury, scissors almost destroyed my face! Fxxk, you have a prostate in the neck...

That's What to what my husband said... Husband's younger brother is 12 years younger than him, so it's basically my husband live with the younger brother. Just then, their family was relatively poor. His brother never wore underwear when he was young. At that time, all the children were playing in the fields. So his dick often got hurt. Until he came from the countryside to go to primary school in the county town. One day when he had a good score in the exam. Then, His mother asked him: "My boy, you have really improved your studies, and I will reward you, what do you want?" Just then, he wow and cried. Hold his mother and cry,"Buy me a pair of underwear, please! Give me a pair of pants. I'll have a small pair of pants!" So far, we still laugh at him about it!

My son vomited. He was only one and a half years old. Now my wife is tidying up and my grandmother thinks it's indigestion rubbing her stomach...  I dare not say that when I just came back from drinking,  when I was playing with my son, I blew a lot of alcohol on his face. I guess he was drunk.

One day, I was chatting with my boyfriend. I told him that it was easy to make the girlfriend happy by giving things as presents. Those things are: Beautiful clothes, shoes, bags, cosmetics, jewelry, etc. Girls would be very happy when they received them, which would not be too many for girls. Then I Ask him if there is anything you boys like very much, and they will be very happy whenever they receive it. My boyfriend thought for a long time, and answered, "A beauty, please..."

A profound Taobao experience! The second time I went to a Taobao shop and bought a lot of things. I hope I can get a discount. I found the first customer service. Ouch... He disagrees, I still did not stop, changed the second customer service, hope can convince him, who knows... The second customer service said to me: "Dear, all the customer service is my own! Don't try to struggle!"  I felt deeply ashamed... Embarrassed...

One day when I was watching the news with my mother, the host said, "A teenager made 500,000 yuan by using the Internet in a few days..." Mom turned to me and said, "Look at the others!” Then the host said, "But what awaits him will be legal sanctions!..." My mother, "..."

（My younger sister lives in the countryside. She keeps two Tibetan mastiffs <not pure>, two German shepherd dog, and they get along well. In summer, she loves to take them to swim by the river with her father. This is the background of the story.） One hot day, the dog grew hairy and was afraid of the heat. Dad, I, and his dog set out to the river again. I wore a white dress.  When the other dogs and dogs are happy to go into the water by the river. The Tibetan mastiff's fur is absorbent and afraid of sinking, it's wandering nearby. Because those big dogs are relatively rare,  many people come around to watch the dogs, not too close. There were many handsome brothers.  I am near the dog by the river. Dad is chatting with people in the distance. I love to see many people and splash water with the dog. At first, I was very proud. A bunch of children on the other side were jealous and jealous.  Ha, I'm the master, it must obey obediently! Speaking of joy...

The day before yesterday, sitting on the bus, came up to an old man, I wanted to give my seat to this old man, he resolutely refused to sit, and thanked me very much. Then I continued to sit there, after a while, a pregnant woman came up, I gave up my seat to her, the pregnant woman was very grateful, then I stood beside. Suddenly a couple of 2B non-mainstream boys laughed and said, that is a broken seat to make, laughed a lot ... I was too lazy to bird them, enduring ... Then, the kind-eyed old man shouted loudly to them, "If you several little rabbits talk again , and then you will be rolled down from the bus!" Until getting off the bus, hose non-mainstream boys did not dare to speak anymore... This grandpa is so powerful. In fact, some old people are still very lovely!

The math teacher in Grade One of Senior One is a newly graduated college student. Usually, we have all kinds of noises in class. He is also used to it. One day when he came into the classroom, he saw that we were all quiet, then he threw back his head and laugh loudly. "Why are you so quiet? Have you taken the wrong medicine?" ... "Ha ha ha ha..." Then he watched that the headmaster was sitting in the back, he was messing up.

There is a school girl who I don't know old was. After the mobile phone was confiscated, she grabbed it from the director. She ran in front. The director chased after her and went to the door of the class. She slammed the phone on the ground and slammed it. The director said: "OK, well done. This is all right!" After the director left, the sister picked up the phone and said while Assembling: "Fortunately, I Disassembled the phone fast enough when I was running ran..."

A programmer is fixing the bug. Speaking to himself: "Just change a small bug, go to sleep after fixing." A few hours passed by ... Speaking to himself: "How did the sun come out?"

Comrades wake up quickly！ And there is a code that prompts the error. Come and change it！

When the database is deleted, definitely you must run! The boss is looking for someone to kill me. How to delete the database? That day, I asked how to write the command line in the QQ group. Someone taught me "sudo rm -rf /". It’s really fxxk a dog.

My wife is often hungry after pregnancy and has to eat extra meals in the middle of the night. The situation is like this ... One day at night, my wife said, "Husband, how can I be so sleepy and hungry?" I am half-dead sleepy,"hungry or sleepy?" I would like to advised her to sleep anyway if she say sleepy. My wife thought about it and said: "I'm sleepy. Your child hungry." I was silent for a moment, then got up and went to the kitchen in silence.

In high school, the dean of the Department of Education and Politics was the kind of rigorous, strict and vicious master who hated students doing other things in classes. My deskmate watched martial arts when studying and he was caught. The Dean stretched out his hand and said nothing, he just shook his head and hand the dean that book. Just as the dean was about to walk out of the classroom door, the deskmate came and shouted out:"dean, wait a minute!" The whole class watch at him! I saw him tear off a sheet of paper and fold it in half as he trotted. He ran to the dean and took the book back. He said something would petrify the whole class. "I'll put a bookmark in first!""

I and my mother watch TV at home. On the TV is Wu Yanzu’s "Single Men and Women"... I pointed to Wu Yanzu and asked my mother: "Mom, do you know who this man is?"  My mom said: " I don't know."  I: "You don't know this. This is a lot of Chinese women's dream lovers. How handsome!"  My mother looked down on her face: "Not handsome at all."  I asked: "Who do you think is best handsome man?"  My mother said arbitrarily: "Bao Gong!"  I: "Ah! Bao Gong?! Who that Bao is?"  My mother: "The man who is the protagonist in ‘Bao Qingtian's youth'"  I:...

My family is in the countryside. When I was a child, I raised a cat. I found that the cat would piss himself in a pit and then buried it. Once I found it was going to the mound, then I followed it. After it arrived, it went to the place. Dig a pit, it is inside the urine. So I urinated next to the pit. When the cat finished the urine, it buried it in the pit. After I finished the urine, it smelled it, looked at me again, and then buried my urine calmly...

Going home from the Dragon Boat Festival, the next morning, my mother said to me sneakingly, telling you something horrible. "Ok?" "I have a scorpion on the balcony..." "what?" "The horror is that it is gone now..." ...... At the end, she insisted that I don't talk to my dad... Are you really my mother?

My father is old, and he's no longer the impression energetic father. In the past, I went home late, he would say, "You only know that go out to play every day!" Now that I don't go home for a year and a half, he said, "Come back to play." In the past, when he was eating, he said, "Why do you just eat stir-fry, don't eat rice?" Now he said: "Why do you just eat rice, don't eat stir-fry?" He used to reprimand me: "I am so loud, are you deaf?" Now he said on the phone: "You should be louder, I am deaf..."

I remember that I once had a classmate who was transferred to the school. He did a Niu job. He said that he was in the countryside when he was in primary school. One day he went to school and passed a dry river. He saw a skeleton in the river. He was curious, packed in his small school bag. When he got to school, he teased his female classmates and said, "Come here and show you something good." Many female classmates were curious about it. He took out the skull and cried in a moment. Their head teacher was a woman. He asked him to go to the office and ask him what was in the schoolbag." He said nothing, the teacher said," don't play tricks with me! Take it out." My classmate said, "don't cry!" He popped the skull on the teacher's desk, the teacher screamed, wailing. My classmate said calmly, " I said I would not take it out, you still want to see, why are you crying?"

In the roommate's computer found several word documents, called "barefoot", "black silk", "hot pants", "pop milk" and so on. When open it curiously and excitedly, and find that all the English learning materials, ask him why he said in order to tempt himself to open... Oh, fxxk, he is really talented.

The kindergarten's teacher told that parents should teach their son how to wipe his own butt in the summer vacation . The middle-class teacher would no longer help the child. While in summer, and he wears very little clothes, his dad begins to teach him. He learned quickly and soon can wipe himself. Since then, he wipes himself. (Kindergarten's teacher is really not easy). But the next few days, I don't know why there is always a paper half folded in the drawer. Look, it's clean too. And his father takes it and wipes it. This is not the point, and one day the child's mother found out: the child wiped the first time, there was a stool stick on the paper, put the trash can; wipe the second time, and put the trash can; then third time no stool, paper clean, put in the drawer... So Dad was trapped... How frugal the child is!

I'm going to test what it's like to light a firecracker in the toilet. So I did it. Seeing the ignition and throwing it in, so far everything has been going smoothly. Oh, it doesn't seem to matter. ... Wow... (God replies:'Your mother will be on the battlefield in five minutes')

My wife was very upset that I played games every day and ordered me to uninstall them. So I deleted the desktop shortcut in front of her face. As a result, she was furious. "Do you really think I don't understand how to use computers? That's not deleted at all!" After that, she grabbed the mouse. Then, she clicked on the recycle bin and chose to empty it!

Just teasing the dog with ham sausage, the old man saw it and felt that the dog kissed me and did not kiss him. Then he is in that murmur: "I've been teasing you at your age, and now you can only tease dogs..."

My mother called me and said she was going to buy me a car to drive! My frightened chin dropped and I asked her, "Where is so much free money at home? And I don't have a driver's license! " She said to me in a bad mood, "You have to be equipped to make a good start! Lest neighbors say that you can't get married because you didn't have trousseau." God Comment: "Then every day, you drive to and from work, even more, unable to find the person of your heart "

At school, the teacher said, "Please tell me three things you often lose." Mine are pencils, erasers, and money. A classmate: Face, parents'face, teacher's face... As a result, he spent an afternoon sunbathing outside the classroom.

When I was a child, I was very naughty. In rainy days, I would take a few little friends to the bottom of the tree, then suddenly kick a few feet at the tree. The little friend would be dripped as a drowning dog, and then my fate would be beaten like a dog.

It's a rumor, a man went to the drugstore to buy medicine, but he forgot the name of the medicine and did not think out it for half a day. The seller, elder sister said, "I have been selling medicine for more than 20 years, as long as you can say two words in the name of the medicine, I know what medicine is!" The man hesitated and said, "... Capsule "

They all say that the kidney with long leg hair is good. I look at my leg satisfactorily. "Fxxk, I'm a woman. Why do you want such a good kidney?!!"

A friend suddenly got pregnant. I remember that she said that she didn't want children for recent two years. I asked her what happened. Then she calmly said: "the condoms were out, I was too lazy to buy it, and were expensive."

Many people drank too much at class dinner the other day. There's a wonderful man who drinks too much and holds the heater. He asks, "Baby, why are you so hot?"

When I was a child, I watched <Talking about Qianlong>. I felt that Zheng Shaoqiu was wearing a cloak, and then shook his hand backwards. It was really handsome and explosive... So I rummaged through the cabinet and found a piece of cloth, draped it over my shoulders, and jumped down on the table just to make the cloak float...

Yesterday, I summoned up my courage to call the goddess to tell my love, then I was rejected. In fact, I thought, if she doesn't like me, please tell me directly. There's no need to lie and lie to me that I'm ugly.

I remember that I went to boarding school in junior high school. I often got up early and had a secret date with my first love in the playground. One day, I made an appointment with my first love. I got up early and took two books to sit in the playground with her. As a result, the dormitory forgot to open the door in the morning. (The door is the one with chains and chains). This made me so anxious that I had to squeeze hard to get through. As a result, tragedy happened. My head passed through and my body dosen't... Later, the president solemnly praised me as a great lover of learning. Good classmates...

For having hot pot in the evening, three Americans were told to go to the supermarket to buy a package of hot pot seasoning, a package of tofu balls, and "buy whatever matches hot pot". The three of them brought back spicy pots, bean pasta bags and a fire extinguisher.

Tonight, I just took off my clothes and went to bed to get into my wife, but she took the quilt away! I was so cold that I hugged a group and asked my wife why! My wife smiled mysteriously and answered, "Today I calculated a hexagram. Mr. Shenshu told me secretly that if you want the radish to be hard, you have to freeze it!" I... Ah...!

In Late self-study time, I occupied two seats in the library. A beautiful girl came up and asked, "Is there anybody here?" I hastened to close the book: "Nobody!" She said sweetly, "Thank you." She dragged her chair and left, nostop!

Roommates often change boyfriends recently, and often spend the night outside, you know. Once I went back to my dormitory angrily and said I would never go to a hotel. What did we ask? Then she angrily answered, "That boss asked for my mobile phone number, saying that he could introduce me to business!" ... I was nothing to say about.

A female colleague in the company, who has a 6-year-old daughter she thinks she is proud of, went everywhere and praised her daughter for how good she is. So it turned into a situation like this: all the male colleagues in the company called her mother-in-law when they saw her!

Not wanting to stay in this city, I decided to go to Karaoke once and leave here tomorrow. In the morning, I came out of ktv, took a taxi to the tenement, looked out of the window all the way, and thought about leaving here, some lonely... Suddenly, when I saw the driver running  through the red light, I patted the driver behind his back and said, "You are a real Niu, dare to run the red light!" The driver was shocked: "What, I just fell asleep." What? I myself is going to leave this city. You just want me to leave this world!

Because I don't want to go to calligraphy class in winter, I locked my mother in the toilet for seven or eight hours. When my mom comes out... That's probably the worst time I've ever been beaten. She and my dad went out in the evening and I locked them out of the house again because they were beaten so badly ... then, that's probably the second time I've been beaten.

A daughter asked a father what love is. My father said, "Love means that a man has nothing, and a women still marries the man." Daughter then asked what is family love, Dad said: "Family love is that Mom will never let you marry a man who has nothing."

When we were young, we were all beaten by our parents. They usually have division of labor. Dad is responsible for fighting, while mom is responsible for persuading! One coaxes, the other coerces! But if mom beats, dad usually doesn't dare to persuade. It's possible that both father and son will die!

I went to a fortune teller and asked, "Master, what do you think I can be in the future? Director? Or Mayor? The fortune teller pinched his finger and said, "Young man, it's hard for you even to be a Father!"

A couple has three children in a row. They are all daughters. In order to sympathize with their wives, the husband said, "Let's not give birth to our wives, boys and girls alike." The wife said:" No! I want to birth! The old lady (I) has to see how many lovers you had in your last life.     " * In Chinese proverb: "The daughter is my father's little lover."

 My mother is a loser, and my sister is very stingy! Today, my mother bought a dress. My sister kept asking how much it cost. My mother said impatiently: "It wasn't your money. Why asked so many questions about what to do?" Sister: "I just feel sorry for my father's money..."

When Learning to drive a car, a new female student is very dumb. As soon as she get on the car, she can't tell right foot from left foot, and she can't remember which one is the throttle and which one is the brake.           When she drives, the coach will bomb us all for fear of danger and fear that we can't control our emotions...           Yesterday, when they came back from a circle outside, the coach got off the bus with a pale face and said to her, "I think I've been waiting for you for 38 years."

Do you know how many people there are in Guangzhou Railway Station? Beggars at the station entrance, then paved  theirs "bloodletters" spread on the ground, changed three in an hour, there were all footprints. Now they are angry and leave.

 Looking at the parents' wedding photos, the child was very unhappy and said, "Why you take pictures and don't bring me with you!" The father was silent for a moment, but he didn't know how to reply.  The mother said, "Son, you were on the spot with your mother at that time!It's just that you're invisible! " The child was happy: "I had this skill then?..."

I saw two children quarrelling at dinner.           It's too much to argue with each other. A says: Wendou (verbal struggle) or Wudou (resort to violence)? B: Are they all brave? So I saw these two goods, wrenching their wrists and reciting <300 Tang poems>.

I remember when I was a child, going to elementary school was a few who failed the exam. All parents were invited. I was afraid of being beaten and drag my grandmother to school. Then my desk-mate, He took his father's grandmother to school. The old man was more than 90 years old, he was trembling and walking. I can't forget that the headmaster of the school said good words like his grandson and hurried back to bring the old man's go home.

"Guys,do you play the Picture matching ",a guy asked, "I don't even have a computer",I said. "Never mind, to come and take the washing machine and just wash 40 pairs of socks. You can help me pair them up" ...

Last night, a girl of seven or eight years old on the elevator asked me what time it was! I said in a quiet voice, "Can you see me?" "Uncle, who can't see you so fat?" said the girl with a dull face. Me: "..."

Young people in the company have no money to eat without pay for only three days. Like me, there is no money on the first day.

Xiao Ming: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Xiao Pang: "I want to be Monkey King! What about you?" Xiao Ming: "The man who Playing monkeys!" Xiao Pang: "..."

Today, a goddess (a perfect girl) who has been secretly in love for a long time sends me a message suddenly. My nervous sweat drips into my hands and feet, forcibly suppresses my inner excitement, and replies: "In." Then the goddess sent a link: "help my niece vote...."

One idiot colleagues, very narcissistic!... When they went out for a massage together, he asked the waitress, "Do you think me the handsome man or not?" The sister looked at this colleague and said, "Big Brother! I am an honest man. If you have an opinion about my service, why bother me in this way?".... Puff! Instantly, the quiet room boiled all of a sudden!

How can you prove how good your relationship with your friends is? God Comment: I dare say that the first step he made in the Pyramid selling was me.